


and only us?

by the_mixed_up_files_of_me



Series: It's Not So Impossible [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A sequel to my other fic 'what if it's us?', Angst/Fluff, College!AU, F/M, lots of Evan and Zoe being in love, lots of memories of the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-16 05:17:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11821992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_mixed_up_files_of_me/pseuds/the_mixed_up_files_of_me
Summary: After making amends and bringing their lives back together, Zoe and Evan are faced with the reality of returning to the town that is still alive with the memories of their lives before.





	1. Chapter 1

Getting back together after being apart was simultaneously the easiest and the most difficult thing Evan and Zoe have had happen in their relationship.

Living at two entirely different campuses hasn't been easy; early mornings, late nights, weekend visits and texts have managed to help the time pass quicker to summer. Getting back together was like putting on a soft, familiar sweater; they slipped seamlessly back into their roles.

Summer. When they both return home. Both the best and the worst thing to have happen to them. Each have their own reservations about it; Evan worries endlessly about still remaining in the Murphy's contempt after everything and Zoe obsessively wonders if Heidi Hansen still views her as the over privileged daughter of the two people who tried to pay for Evan to go to college in the first place.

Neither families are aware of the fact that Evan and Zoe have gotten back together. It's not as though they hadn't thought about telling their parents. In fact, that's all that they have been thinking about. The idea is daunting, as it always is when there is family history and memories.

"We're going home in a week and there is no way we can hide being together," Evan points out, lifting his arm to let Zoe curl up beside him on the couch.

Leaning her head against his shoulder, burying herself deeper into the comfort of his arms, Zoe savours every second of their weekends together. She wonders where they will be next weekend; telling their parents or hiding everything like they did in high school.

"We're in college, we can make our own choices," Zoe protests, "If I want to be with you, I can be with you. No matter what they say."

"I know," Evan agrees at once, "But, Zoe, think of the history of everything. You parents, me, you, my mom...I don't even know if your family forgave me for everything I did."

She hears the regret in his voice, almost more of a reflex to him than an actual reaction. Her forgiveness is more than enough for him but the lack of resolution with her parents is a lingering thought, always in the back of his mind. They had not told anyone the truth about everything but they had not spoken to him since. It's impossible to gauge if their feelings have changed over the past two years. Time can shift thoughts and feelings around, either for better or for worse.

"They loved you, Evan. That hasn't changed." Zoe knows this for a fact; her parents were devastated by the truth but they still spoke about Evan, even afterwards. There was always unmistakeable fondness in their voices, now matter how much they tried to hide it. Evan was their mirror of Connor, the son they thought they could get right. They lost Connor once, they couldn't bear to lose Evan completely too.

Evan doesn't reply; he strokes her hair, feels her small body press against his. Going home...is it even home anymore? It all still seemed so foreign when he'd left for college.

The same houses. The same families. The same people.

-

Heidi crushes him with a hug the second he steps foot in the house. Evan feels her trembling with relief and excitement. It takes Heidi a moment to look past his shoulder at Zoe. If she's surprised or shocked, she hides it well. Embracing Zoe as well, Evan is relieved. Despite whatever feelings Heidi may have beneath the surface, she'll save them for later in a much needed talk with him.

"Hi, Ms. Hansen." Zoe is shy, hesitant. She doesn't feel _unwelcome_ in the Hansen house. It's something more akin to the fact that so much has happened between the two families, it constantly simmers in unspoken words.

Heidi gestures for them to come inside, set their bags down and take a seat in the living room. Zoe tugs at the hem of Evan's shirt to get his attention as they follow her.

"I should go, my parents are expecting me home too," she whispers, "Besides, I don't want to upset your mother."

Before Evan can reply, Heidi says as she takes a seat on the sofa, "I didn't know that you and Evan came home together. Aren't your colleges an hour away from each other?"

Zoe pushes through any awkwardness, her own streak of determination running through her. Would everyone in town have something to say about her and Evan getting back together? Yes, more than likely. It's not as though they can say anything that Zoe can't take.

Glancing over at Zoe for confirmation, Evan exhales slowly and carefully before announcing, "Yes, Zoe and I came home together. We're um...we're dating again."

Zoe adds with firm clarity, "We've been back together for the past six months now."

Heidi is processing this. Her lips part slightly, her eyes go back and forth between the two of them as if to connect the dots. "Wow, kids...that's...that's great. I wish you'd told me six months ago though but, um...good for you two. I'm glad you worked things out."

Zoe can feel Heidi's unuttered thoughts hanging in the air. Heidi is smiling but everything about her body language indicates that she really isn't.

Licking her suddenly dry lips, Zoe lifts her bags and says to Heidi, "I have to go, I'm sorry for not staying longer. Mom and Dad are expecting me home by now."

Heidi manages to say something along the lines of 'good to see you' and 'see you soon'.

Evan quickly follows the rapidly moving Zoe out the door and to the car. Catching her hands, he turns her around so he can look her in the face. His eyes are full of concern as he begins to ramble, "Did my mother make you uncomfortable? I'm so sorry, I don't know why she's like that, it's not fair to you at all. I'm going to go talk to her about it right now, don't worry, she doesn't mean anything personal towards you."

Zoe brushes it off. "It's fine, really. Our track record has been less than stellar, so it makes sense that she's thinking about that."

And it does make sense. Too much sense.

Evan hesitates. Around Zoe, they don't always have to voice their anxieties. The silence speaks loud enough for the both of them. In efforts to see him smile again, Zoe leans forward and kisses him on his soft cheek before climbing back into her car.

-

"Evan, you know I love you more than anything else in this world and that's why I'm trying to tell you this," Heidi insists, reaching across the sofa to put her hand on her son's knee. "As your mother, of course I'm worried about this. Please consider what happened before."

"We were a lot younger then, Mom," Evan replies with unmistakeable pleading for her to understand, "We talked it out. The fact that she...even wants me again is incredible in of itself."

"And the fact that she has forgiven you is beautiful and I am glad that she has. I really am. I'm so happy that things have changed for the better for the both of you two. But you two have a lot of history will be, realistically speaking, difficult to always overlook."

"I know that, I know that already. But out of all the things that have changed since then, the fact that I always have loved her hasn't." Warmth creeps into Evan's tone. Taking a deep breath, he tries again, "I know it won't be easy. Zoe and I talked about this. We're going to have a hard enough time convincing the Murphy's about everything." Evan pauses, his eyes brimming with hope. "Can you please be on our side? Please, Mom."

Heidi gazes at Evan for a moment. He has changed; maybe not in noticeable ways at first, but a mother knows even the slightest shift in her child. _He isn't a little boy in school anymore_ , Heidi reminds herself with resignation, _he's in college now and living his own life._ It's hard for her to fully recognise the fact that he's not the same little boy who was so excited to sit behind the wheel in the truck on that February day.

But for his sake, she will try.

"I'm always on your side, Evan."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you so much for all of the support I'm getting for these fics. You all are the absolute best. Love and hugs to all of you! Xx

_The easiest way out is always through_ , Zoe tells herself over and over again as she takes Evan's slightly perspiring hand in her's and walks with him up the driveway to her house.

Zoe hadn't been able to find a suitable time to tell her parents the news after she got home the night before. They were far too excited and interested in hearing about her semesters and courses for her to find a moment to mention it. Besides, it seems like something Evan should be there for.

After a day out together with considerable procrastination, the inevitable reunion is waiting to happen. In the doorway to the house that they'd walked into so many times before, Evan can feel his own wave of nervousness rise within himself. Before opening the door, Zoe brings their clasped hands to her lips. This seems to restore Evan's confidence enough for Zoe to manage to lead him inside.

"Zoe, are you home? Did you have fun ou---" Cynthia, setting the kitchen table for dinner, turns around and locks eyes on Evan and Zoe. Notably their entwined hands. Her composure falters just long enough for Evan to notice and his trepidation to increase.

Larry's echoes into the kitchen ahead of him. "Is Zoe home?" He too stops in his motion at the sight of them. Again, not long enough to be obvious but long enough to physically sense.

"Evan, it's been a while." Cynthia says his name almost gingerly. Regaining her politeness, she manages to form the words, "How is college going?"

A safe and non-confrontational question.

Evan forces out the words, "Good, yeah, it's going good."

"That's very nice," Cynthia says and Larry nods but does not say anything else.

Larry says, nondescript. "Evan, are you staying for dinner?"

"He is." Zoe speaks so that Evan won't have to. She has no tolerance for her parents to make him feel uncomfortable. Evan's jaw feels permanently sealed shut.

It's all so vivid, all of the memories are flooding back. This kitchen table, this house, these people. It's overwhelming, too overwhelming for Evan. Too many reminders of everything that has been broken and lost. As if sensing this, Zoe gently traces his hand with her thumb in small circular motions. A reminder for Evan to breathe and focus. _The past is staying there, at least for tonight_ , she wishes she can tell him.

Cynthia at least attempts conversation to avoid the obvious silences. "How's your mother, Evan?"

"She's doing well," Evan answers, aware of the tremor in his tone. Clearing his throat, he manages to continue, "She's working now at a law firm."

"That's very nice," Cynthia says and Evan can hear the genuineness in her tone. Cynthia did always like Heidi and that has evidently not changed.

"Evan can tell her that you say hello," Zoe adds, with a somewhat piercing look at her mother. This was never going to be easy, she knows that.

Cynthia smiles wanly and motions for everyone to come sit at the table. Larry doesn't breathe a word, ignoring Evan's occasional desperate look in his direction. The father figure that almost came into his life; their day in the garage talking about Evan's real father replays in Evan's mind. Perhaps Larry has removed the memory altogether, because he shows no signs of abating the silence. He does, however, look at the empty chair on the other end of the table, which is enough to make Evan's mouth go completely dry.

"So," Cynthia finally says, deciding to voice the question that neither Murphy parent really wanted to ask, "Are you two...back together?"

Zoe calmly rests her fork on the table. "Yes, Mom, we are."

"I thought you two lived far away from each other," Cynthia says, her eyes flickering between the two of them.

"We do," Zoe responds, "Long distance relationships do exist, you know."

"Don't sass your mother." These are Larry's first words in several minutes now and they are sharp.

Cynthia isn't touching her dinner; no one is, in fact. She presses on, "How long have you two been...seeing each other again?"

Zoe looks at Evan.

Evan replies, "Six months." His words feel like sandpaper, grating painfully against his throat. _This isn't right, none of this is right_. The thought is drumming relentlessly against him.

"Six months!" Cynthia exclaims louder than she intended to. "Six months," she repeats in a softer tone, "Well, that is...impressive. Why didn't you tell us this?"

"We are adults, we can be with the people we want to be with," Zoe replies with a trace too much intensity. Doubling back, opting for a milder tone for Evan's sake, she adds, "It seemed better to do it in person and we knew we'd see you all for summer break."

Larry, looking solely at Zoe, tells her, "You should have told us much sooner. You could have called us. We're your parents, we have a right to know what's going on in your life. Especially something so important as relationships."

Zoe sees where they are coming from, their thin attempts at bringing the family back together by keeping in closer contact with each other. Communication is one thing that the Murphy family sorely lacks. "Evan and I just wanted---"

"See," Larry interjects, with heat in his voice, "You could have told us that there is an 'Evan and You'."

"Larry, calm down," Cynthia firmly says before diverting her gaze to Evan who is wishing that the world could just swallow him. "I'm sorry, Evan, about all of this. We're just surprised."

"Especially considering...everything."

There is so much emphasis on _everything_.

Much to Evan's own betrayal, his gaze slides back over to the empty chair, the chair that Evan always knew Connor used to sit in. Everything about the chair, the scuff marks on the wooden legs from Connor kicking his heels against it, to the way that the cushion is frayed at the edges from Connor's digging fingernails...

It is impossible. They are impossible. Being far away made everything else feel miles away as well. To be so close, so unbearably close to the memories of everything...it's a reminder to Evan. A cold, stark, unforgiving reminder of all that has happened and never to be recovered.

It had all been a lie to himself; the burning desire to spend his life with Zoe had convinced him that it was possible for them to be together and to escape the memories. Repressing them only worked so long as they were far away.

Heidi saw this coming and tried to warn him; Evan knew he was too in love to see this happening. Times change; people don't.

"Zoe, uh, I think I need to go." Evan stands up, abruptly, almost knocking over his water glass. Cynthia and Larry look concerned for a flicker of a second but quickly resort back to their previous indifference. The walls are pressing in on him; he knows that needs to get out of there before a complete panic attack sets in. Murmuring some excuse, some sort of 'thank you for having me', he rushes out. Flinging open the front door, fresh air meets him and clears his lungs.

Zoe throws aside her napkin, leaping up from the table to go after him. Not before pausing and looking her parents in the eyes. "Look what you've done."

The ground flies beneath her feet as she finds Evan in his car in their driveway, fumbling hands trying to push the key into the ignition. Zoe opens the door, catching her breath and taking the keys from him. "You're in no state to drive," she quickly instructs. "I'll take you home, don't worry."

Evan obeys her motion for him to move over. Wrapped up in her own simmering fury directed at her parents, Zoe begins to ramble as she pulls out of the driveway.

"I'm so sorry Evan, they treated you so poorly. It's not right, they have no excuse."

"They have every excuse," Evan replies, unable to hide the unrelenting tremors in his voice. Clenching his jaw tightly, he twists his hands together to keep them steady. He doesn't want Zoe to see the worst of his anxiety, not when she's going through so much herself right now.

Zoe is focused on the road, but she reaches out her hand and Evan takes it with gratefulness. She goes on, "We're adults and they're still acting like we're in school---"

"It wasn't your parents."

"What do you mean?"

"It was Connor."

They had not spoken his name since getting back together. The name hangs in the air, unable to be taken back. Zoe swallows, keeps her eyes trained ahead of them. "What about him?"

"Everything."

It doesn't take Zoe but a moment to let her thoughts fall into place. Glancing over at Evan, she asks, "Are you alright if we make a stop before you go home?"

"Where are we going?"

"To the orchard." 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you so much for reading this final chapter of this story! I think I might make another fic as a part of this series; I've already got some ideas and this story line I've kind of made has really been enjoyable to write. Thank you so much for all of the support and if you want a third instalment to this series, please let me know in the comments below.  
> Happy reading! Xx

Evan's breathing has steadied more by the time they get to the orchard, the throbbing pounding in his head has subdued. During the drive, he had clung to Zoe's hand as if she were a life preserver and he was drowning in deep waters. Somewhere, in between her touch and the soothing consistency of the car engine, he began to relax a trace amount.

Pulling the car into a space, Zoe switches the headlights off. There's no other cars in the parking lot; they're completely alone. It isn't until the engine turns off that Evan is aware of just how quiet and peaceful it is. He hasn't been to the orchard in at least two years now and nothing, much to his relief, has significantly changed.

Climbing out of the car, their footsteps are audible against the gravel parking lot. Everything looks torn out of a magazine; the dark trees against the pink sky, the clouds billowing above them in swirling patterns, the blue twilight enveloping them in it's own type of embrace.

Getting away from everything is calming for both of them and their distracted minds. Zoe points her finger at the sky, comments on how aesthetic it is. Evan nods; he sees the sky but his eyes linger far longer on Zoe's face as she observes it. The way that the evening light is shadowing her features, the reflection of the sky in her eyes.

Stepping into the grassy orchard, Zoe takes her shoes off, leaving them behind, telling Evan she'll come back for them but right now she just wants to feel the grass beneath her feet. It's warm and damp and blissfully comfortable compared to the stiffness of shoes.

Entering the rows and paths of trees, Evan runs his fingers against the veined leaves that hang low and the course bark of the sturdy trees. Touching nature, feeling it in his hands is always calming for him. Nature works wonders for the soul.

It also clears his head, enough for him to say, "I think we need to talk...again..."

Zoe ruefully smiles over at him. "We should, shouldn't we?"

-

The one text that Evan sent from the driveway of the Murphy's was enough for Heidi to understand the context of the dinner at once. The text simply read:

_'You were right it's never going to work'_

Heidi chews her lower lip, reads the text over and over again. It's getting late, about eight o'clock, but with any luck, the Murphy's won't turn her away at the doorstep. Zoe is with Evan and Heidi trusts the fact that they're going to stay out and talk for a while.

 _Long enough for me to speak to the Murphy's_ , she decides.

If Cynthia is surprised to see Heidi on the other side of the door, she does her best to not show it. "Hi there."

Heidi mildly replies, "I hope this isn't a bad time."

"Not at all...come on in."

-

"So tell me about Connor," Zoe finally says, leaning back against the tree. Whether she's is ready or not to talk about Connor, it has to be dealt with and she is more than ready to have all of the cards on the table.

Evan takes his time answering and she does not rush him. Toying with the blades of grass between his fingertips, Evan begins to find the words he's looking for. "He's always kind of...there...the one person we really didn't talk about when deciding to get back together."

"Does everything always have to be about him?" Zoe tries not to sound desperate but it's hard not to. Living in Connor's shadow is one fate she longs to escape from.

"That's the thing," Evan replies, slowly and gradually unravelling his own thoughts, "Maybe our relationship feels impossible because...we haven't accepted some aspects of it."

Zoe understands him, piecing together the things that he is both saying and not saying. "Accepting aspects," she repeats before adding, "We've repressed and tried to forget so many things that we haven't actually accepted some things for just...being there."

"Like Connor, for instance."

"Like Connor."

-

Cynthia fiddles with the spoon in her coffee cup, swirling it around repetitively. "I really am sorry if we made Evan uncomfortable. Larry and I were just so surprised. Those two have an...impressive history."

Heidi answers, "Our families have history." With a small shrug and a rueful smile, she goes on, "Name a family that doesn't."

Cynthia manages to smile slightly at Heidi, her shoulders relaxing a fraction. "Heidi, Larry and I...we do care a lot about Evan. Despite all that happened, he still helped us to heal and move forward. It wasn't the best way to do it but...at least it worked."

There's a pause. Heidi brings her coffee cup to her lips, watching attentively as Cynthia says with immense hesitation, "Evan is a good person, I know that. I know that he worships my daughter and she loves him probably more than she loves anyone else. I suppose there's a connection and a bond that forms when two people experience an event together. Even though they were on different worlds during that...time in our lives...they'll always have that history between them."

Heidi studies Cynthia's face; the face of a woman who has endured much loss and pain and is trying to mend the broken pieces together. Looking into Cynthia's eyes is like looking into a mirror.

"Our families talk a lot about history when the only thing that really matters is the future."

-

Tears form watercolours in Zoe's eyes; she dries her eyes on her palms, exhaling shakily.

To cry the unshed tears over all of those years and over all of the things that have happened. To let go of all her resentment. To let everything wash away with the salty tears that spill down her cheeks.

She did not cry when Connor died. She did not cry when Evan confessed. She did not cry when she saw her world crumbling around her in a million broken pieces. She had not let herself; she had felt that crying would be acceptance that they happened.

 _Acceptance_. It's a fresh word in her mind. She and Evan had fought back the knowledge that acceptance is the only way to move forward.

Forgiveness has helped immensely; forgiveness over everything and understanding.

Yet they'd still been in denial over it all and denial is no way to live.

Evan's lips brush against her hair as he murmurs something that she can't quite discern. Leaning against his shoulder, Zoe hears his own ragged breathing, feels his own tears dampen her hair.

Zoe's tears come to a stop; she cannot find any more to shed even if she wanted to. 

Instead of feeling exhausted, depressed or hollowed out, she feels cathartic. Completely and utterly cathartic. Years of pent up agony have finally spilled out and come to fruition and finally she and Evan can face the facts.

"So," she says, momentarily at a loss for words.

He is in the same position. "So..."

Zoe manages to sit up and face him. In the dim light, everything looks blue, as if they're trapped inside of the sky. Zoe comments on this and Evan smiles, a genuine one that makes her smile too.

"Acceptance," Zoe says, rolling the word off of her tongue. "Acceptance..."

The awareness of their past, not the denial. It's always going to be there, but ignoring it only would have made it bigger. It would have been that thought in the back of their minds, the repression of the truth. Forgiveness and acceptance finally make the much needed link into the chain of their relationship. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting the past, acceptance doesn't mean holding on to it and dwelling on it.

It happened. There's no denying it. And it is painful.

But it is not impossible.

"The past is staying there and we won't ignore it but we aren't going backwards. And now...we're going forwards." As Zoe says this, Evan tangles his fingers in her's, just as they always do. Their fingers interlock perfectly.

Evan is caught between hope and the belief that it might just be too good to be true. "Are you sure that this will work?"

Zoe pauses, her eyes holding his apprehensive gaze. "I really think it will, Evan. This is different than before. We aren't running away anymore."

"Well...thank god because I hate running," Evan replies, pure relief running through him, the burning tension finally letting him go. Doubts will come up again, he's sure of it, but he's saved this conversation and this moment to his memory so he can replay it to abate those whispering fears.

And Zoe laughs, her cheerful laugh that makes her eyes sparkle and look as though they are lighting up the night all on their own.

-

"Every single day, I wake up and ask myself how I will keep moving forward." Cynthia glances at Heidi briefly. "That sounds ridiculous. It's been years since Connor...passed away." Saying it aloud is still too fresh of a wound. "Larry and I are trying to change things for the better. Be there for each other more. He still feels so guilty. I think seeing Evan tonight reminded him of Connor again."

"Evan told me that Larry took a fatherly interest in him."

"He thought he could be a father figure for Evan, the one that he wasn't for Connor. I honestly believe that he still wants that. Larry puts up these walls and barriers to block the world out and so have I. That's why we worry so much about Zoe. We don't want her to get hurt the way that we have and turn out like us...I know that every parent says that but it's true."

It's getting dark in the kitchen now. Cynthia doesn't bother to flick the light on. It seems easier to talk in the dark anyway, when everything has faded edges and nothing is sharp and unforgiving.

Heidi's coffee has gone cold but she doesn't notice. "As a mother, I know we both want the best for our kids. Even if our kids are twenty."

"Of course."

Heidi continues, "I was talking to Evan last night and I can see just how much they love each other. And I firmly believe that we need to trust them on this. We've raised strong kids, kids that are strong enough to take care of themselves and each other."

Cynthia seems to take comfort from this; she nods, her silent but resonating consent to Zoe and Evan's relationship. Satisfied, Heidi outstretches her hand and rests it on Cynthia's arm. "It's getting late and I don't want to keep you and Larry up. Thanks for the coffee and the talk."

As she gets up from the table, Cynthia tells her, "We should do this again sometime. If you're comfortable with that."

Heidi turns to face Cynthia, aware of her lips twitching upwards into a smile. "I'd like that."

-

Evan's lips are warm and tender as he leans across her body and presses kisses along her neck, his fingertips gently caressing her face and hair. Zoe lays back comfortably in the grass, wrapping her arms around his neck snugly and pulling him closer to her.

It's almost completely dark out by now but the orchard is lit by the teasing presence of a crescent moon peeking above the treetops. Breathing in the sweet, fresh air mixed with Evan's soft scent, Zoe wonders if it's possible to save a moment in time.

"Evan?"

"Yes?"

"I love you, Evan Hansen."

"I love you too, Zoe Murphy."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! <33 Please leave kudos or a comment if you enjoyed this!


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